


Pain and Paintings

by moonlight_petal



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Bob Ross - Freeform, Confessions, Family Feels, First Kiss, Hurt Jack, Hurt/Comfort, Jack's dealing with pain, M/M, Pain, barely, he's a wise man, late night TV watching, men dealing with feelings, mentions of depression, nerds at work, there's totally a happy ending, to be on the safe side, yes I mean that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 18:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17855153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_petal/pseuds/moonlight_petal
Summary: Jack has to deal with his worst enemy to date, his own body...What happens when Jack Dalton gets incapacitated by back pains? He doesn't tell anyone of course.Well good thing his team knows him well enough.





	Pain and Paintings

**Author's Note:**

> And the long line of crappy summaries continues XD  
> I actually can't believe that this turned out to be over 10k... this was supposed to be a quick little thing about Jack getting older, dealing with something quite normal. It then turned into a somewhat self-therapy thing dealing with my own issues the last couple of months, then all of a sudden there was the unintended relationship aspect and just for the heck of it, I threw some Bob Ross into the mix as well because... why the hell not.  
> This is the end result and I really hope you'll enjoy it and it's not as bad as I kind of fear it is.

**_ Pain and paintings _ **

 

~~~

 

_All it takes is just a little change of perspective_

_and you begin to see a whole new world._

_\- Bob Ross_

~~~

 

 

The first thing he noticed was a bit of a pull at the back of his thigh, a dragging pain that went from his hip all the way down to his knee but was so low in intensity that he registered that feeling as merely 'uncomfortable' and went on with his day.

 

They just came back from a mission the day before, the whole team had been running around a lot so it was natural that he would feel a bit sore. It wasn't uncommon after all. So Jack put it out of his mind, he was trained to ignore these things and there certainly were more important things to do and think about.

 

"Guys, I have news..." Matty greeted her specialist team in the war room and her expression was unreadable as always, her tone however told Jack that whatever news their boss had, it made her... uncomfortable? Out of her depth? Something like that and it made him curious and on edge at the same time. He had worked with this woman for quite some time, she was strong, smart and incredibly hardass. So a mission that prompted that tone of voice? Didn't bode well.

 

"That doesn't sound ominous at all..." he murmured, pulling smirks on the faces of the three younger agents in the room.

 

"Hate to admit it, but Jack's right... what's up, Matty?" Mac turned his gaze from his partner to his boss, pulling the bowl with paper clips closer and started to reshape one.

 

"Not really ominous... well the Phoenix Foundation got a new assignment..."

 

Riley pulled her laptop closer, fingers poised above the keyboard.

"Who's the target?"

 

"No target, Riley, not for you. When I say the Phoenix Foundation, I mean the think tank cover part. For some reason we got an official invite to a very prestigious, international science convention. Our 'think tank' is supposed to introduce some groundbreaking invention or development this year. And after checking in with the research department, the only project in the least bit plausible to that effect would be your AI..." Matty explained and suddenly Jack understood her feeling. Both of them were covert operatives, spies, the best of the best but science? Not so much their forte.

 

"That might as well be but Sparky is in no shape or form at a stage that would make sense to present." Bozer interjected. "I mean we made some progress but with running around and jumping between countries all the time, there isn't much time left for that..."

 

"Bozer's right, we'd need a lot more time than we have to make that happen." Mac said. Don't get him wrong, he didn't shy away from the occasional all-nighter but that was high-precision engeneering work they were talking about. Presenting that on international level? That would take a lot more than they currently had.

 

"I do understand that, you two, that is why I called you here. As much as it pains me as the director of this agency and leader of the best team of agents here, you are benched for the time being until you can confidently say you're at a stage where running missions and doing that at the same time is possible. Or after the convention whatever happens first. You are to concentrate on this project only. You will have the support you need and meanwhile the other teams will take your missions." she explained, holding Jack's gaze in particular when she relayed the news.

 

Just as expected the oldest of the team raised his hand, frown in place.

"Wait a minute, we're all benched so they can work on a science project? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Make coffee runs? I understand that these three are needed here but why me?" Jack asked, exasperated and a little... he didn't know how to explain the feeling. He didn't feel useless necessarily but he knew very well that he didn't have a lot to offer in the way of science and engineering.

 

"Jack, you can do a lot more than coffee runs when we're in the lab..." Mac tried but by the way his sentence trailed off at the end it was obvious that he didn't really know how to continue anyway.

 

"I know what you're thinking, Jack, and believe me I hate this just as much as you do but orders were clear, you lot are benched and the other teams are to take over your missions. The other teams, just like you four, have by now developed dynamics that are vital to the success to their work, that's why I can't send you out with them, I'm sorry. I thought about it but it's not going to work. I'm sure we'll find something you can do. In fact, I'd like for you to run mission command in my stead once in a while and -and that's a big one, Jack- we have a handful of recruits who show exceptional promise on the shooting range, I'd like for you to take over their training, see if one of them has the potential to become a second you when it comes to being a crackshot." she smiled encouragingly. Jack Dalton's abilities with any kind of weapon in any kind of situation were legendary for a reason on the Farm after all. Reminding him of that should soften the blow at least some.

 

"So you're saying, they get to geek out in the lab and I'm stuck doing babysitter work..." he grumbled but it didn't sound as annoyed as he probably meant it to be.

 

"You'll do great, Jack. Look at it this way, it's like a vacation or something..." Bozer said. "Isn't it nice to not be shot at for once in a while?"

 

"Hey and when you get to teach the other recruits, maybe I can sneak in and learn a thing or two as well, I mean, I'm sure Mac and Bozer won't need me all the time." Riley grinned at him. She knew that Jack would love to give her lessons. They had talked about it a couple of times. It wasn't that she necessarily wanted to use a weapon, she was fine using her skills as her weapon but she agreed that it would be good to at least know her way around guns in case she needed it. Last time, luck was on her side but it definitely wouldn't always be like that.

 

Jack looked at her and then the other members of his little family and sighed.

"Yeah, alright..." he shifted and there it was again, this pain, a bit more insistent than before, harder to ignore which might have something to do with the fact that he was looking at a time where he didn't need to focus on a mission and everyone's survival first and foremost.

 

"Good, now that we settled that, off to work you go! Jack, I'll send you the files on the recruits to one of the stations in the lab." Matty shooed them out of the war room, expecting one of the other teams moments later already to brief them on their next mission. One, she knew, would be a real test for that team.

 

~*~

 

Jack winced a little as he adjusted his position at the table, scrolling through yet another file. Not that he was bored or anything, he was but that was beside the point, the files were actually quite interesting reads. Those recruits Matty had found certainly had a good amount of skill between them and judging by the few video clips from previous sessions on the range, there was really good technique there as well. All things they would need if they wanted to learn anything from him.

 

But the longer Jack sat there, blocking out the nerd babble behind him, the more the pain in his leg flared up. He didn't understand it, this was beyond regular soreness, beyond anything he had experienced before without getting obviously hurt. There was no wound that would explain the ache, no bruise or anything and yet this dragging pain went up to his lower back and spread over his knee down to his ankle as well.

 

Stretching out his muscles had only led to quick bouts of stinging pain and a lingering numbness in his leg which was a really weird feeling if he was honest.

 

"Hey man, are you alright?" Mac asked suddenly, clapping one hand on Jack's shoulder, massaging it slightly and unknowingly sending yet another searing wave of pain down his leg that Jack tried his hardest not to let show on his face.

 

"Sure, why do you ask? I mean, you know I *live* for paper work right?!" he replied sarcastically, turning his head to look at his partner.

 

"Well, the fact that I know for a fact that you hate nothing more than being stuck here with us, reading files and more files alone led me to the assumption that you're not really alright. And that's not even factoring in that you've been wincing on a rather regular basis for a while now. Do you have any injuries you haven't mentioned to us?"

 

Jack turned his face away again and promptly catching the searching gazes of Riley and Bozer in the reflection of the computer screen, which must have been the same way Mac had noticed him wincing in the first place.

 

"Nah, no injuries, promise! Just a bit sore I guess and being scooped up with the nerd squad down here probably doesn't do much in the way of help. I think I might just finish this file and then take a round in the gym or something, get those muscles moving again, that should do it." he waved his partner off, willing him to let it go.

 

"You sure?" the blond obviously didn't sound convinced now that he basically smelled blood that something was off.

 

"Absolutely! You go back there, be brilliant, kid! That's what I need you to do right now, the sooner you finish this nonsense up, the sooner we're back in the field again and Beta and Gamma teams can go back to the kiddie pool of missions." he shot back, distracting Mac successfully for now.

 

Jack knew Mac had observed the other team waiting in front of the war room when they left, had noticed every nervous uptick of an eyebrow or tense shoulder. They were so not ready to go on missions usually meant for them, and they all knew it but they had to hope that the challenge will let them grow wings or something.

 

"They were rather nervous, weren't they? Maybe I should check in with Matty later and see how they're doing..." Mac said, thoughtfully.

 

"*Or*... you could leave that to me, I'm the one on babysitter duty for the foreseeable future after all, right?" the older shot back. "Seriously, Mac. I'm fine and they'll be fine too. If they were absolutely not ready for this, Matty wouldn't have sent them. She has her orders but she knows her agents, she wouldn't risk them easily."

 

With that he shut off the file he'd been on and slid off the chair, wavering ever so slightly before he found his footing again.

 

"Jack?" Mac asked and his face had morphed into pure concern again.

 

"All good, my foot must have fallen asleep, is all." he waved his question away again, making a point of shaking out his leg, as if he could get the numb feeling to go that way. It didn't, much to his dismay but he wasn't about to tell his partner about that.

 

"Alright, if you say so..." the blond said reluctantly, turning back to Bozer and Riley and their project.

 

~*~

 

Despite all the confidence Jack had in their boss, he did make a detour back to the war room, sticking his head in silently when he heard Matty bark out orders.

 

"How is it going?" he asked softly when there was a pause in the communication.

 

Matty looked up, a tense line on her forehead.

 

"That good, eh?" Jack added when he saw that.

 

Matty muted her mic and sighed tiredly.

"It's not *bad*, they are doing their best but they are lacking experience... I mean they have a lot of missions under their belt, they are not that new but these kinds of missions... I'm beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea that we sent you out on all the hard ones... maybe we should have split it up more, to let them gain experience there as well, exactly for situations like these... and what's worse, I have no idea what to do if this goes sideways. It took me a long while to get used to the way Mac operates but now... when things don't turn out the way we planned them, I can trust Mac's improv skills and you to keep him safe. I don't have that luxury with them. I mean, they are great at following my orders, much better than any of you but I'm woman enough to admit that that's not always going to cut it and that you disregarding my orders saved a lot of our missions and lives before."

 

Jack blinked silently, hadn't expected Matty to burst out in such an emotional rant, hadn't realised how off-center she was with the situation as well.

"Well... I'm glad to know you appreciate our team... but listen, this is going to work out somehow, I'm sure! I just told Mac and the others the same thing, despite everything? I know you wouldn't risk them if you weren't convinced they could do it. Sure it might not be perfect or even elegant but they will manage and you will lead them through it. And if things go sideways, they will find a way. They're not Mac but they are clever agents, give them some credit. You just make sure that they know you'll have their back from this end, like you always do for us. I can only speak for myself here, but I wouldn't have been half as relaxed with some of the stunts Mac pulled if I didn't know that in the end you would come through and pull us out when it goes real bad. They'll do great and so will you!" Jack said, leaning forward a bit, to look more directly at the director.

 

"And for what it's worth, I like having special status here, to be the go to team when things get dicey but it's never too late..." he grinned and winked, coming upright again and only barely swallowing down the gasp that threatened to leave his mouth as a feeling rippled through his body as if someone had plunged a knife in his back.

 

He turned as quickly as he could without attracking more attention.

"Now, go back to your team, they'll need you sooner or later. And just so you know? I'll be down in the gym for now... in case something comes up."

 

Matty watched him go, a wry smile on her lips. She wouldn't admit it even under torture but Jack's confidence in her helped a lot.

 

~*~

 

Jack was a tough guy, always had been. He was trained to withstand pain and torture. Could do it was a sassy comment on his lips as well. But this? This was a new kind of torture. One he didn't know how to deal with.

 

He had been to enough physical therapy sessions after injuries that he knew what exercises to do if he had a crick in the neck or had a regular backache after sleeping in a chair or the like.

 

Carefully he had gone through them all, stretching out muscles slowly, holding positions with only minimal movement to try to realign whatever was bothering him but nothing worked. The pain got worse with everything he did.

 

In the end he'd given up on the exercises and started up the running machine, figuring that maybe some normal movement would help.

It didn't. In the end he'd given up entirely, lips slightly bloody from where he'd bit it, trying to push through. Standing under the boiling hot spray of the shower, he felt mostly frustrated with himself.

 

Glad that neither Mac or Riley had come to look for him yet, he picked up his phone and texted his friend afterwards.

 

>Hey, I'm about ready to head home, how's it going on your end?

 

_< Lucky you, we still have some work to do. Sure you don't want to come down and keep us some company? We're thinking about ordering food..._

 

>Well that's probably the curse of the smart ones, eh? But no, thank you. I'll let you concentrate on your work and go home first, I might just have overdone it a bit at the gym, I'm beat... talk to you later...

 

Jack slipped the phone in his pocket and grabbed his bag, his focus was entirely on walking normally out of the building, not giving into the limp and the intense wish to get off his leg because he didn't want anyone to ask questions.

 

He didn't notice his three team members spying at him from around the corner in the foyer.

 

~*~

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Dalton!" Jack grumbled tiredly at his reflection the next morning. He'd taken some pain meds the night before when he'd come home but had barely slept all night, tossing around in bed, not able to find a position that didn't hurt as much, much less not at all.

 

Getting up and watching TV didn't help either since sitting wasn't much better than lying down, even if slightly better than standing and walking.

 

"Jack?!" a very familiar voice called out to him when he walked into the kitchen.

 

"Jesus, Mac! You scared the living daylights out of me. What are you doing here already? Did something happen?" instinctively Jack started patting his own pockets to check his phone if he missed a message or something.

 

The blond didn't say anything at first, narrowing his eyes on Jack for a moment first.

"You look like crap!" he stated.

 

"Why thank you, Mac. It's always such a boost of self-esteem to hear such nice things first thing in the morning..." the older shot back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He couldn't help the wince as the position yet again sent painful stabs down his otherwise numb leg.

 

"Yeah, I know, doesn't change the fact though. But seriously, what is wrong with you and don't even try to deny it. I have two perfectly working eyes and even if that wasn't the case, I saw the box of pain meds on the table." he pointed his thumb over his shoulders to the living room table where the small orange box of pain medication still was. Jack must have forgotten it there the night before.

 

"I'm sure it's nothing, don't worry about me, Mac. Don't you have more important things to think about?" Jack deflected. Or tried to at least, turning around to grab a cup of coffee, feeling a bit like the floor tilted beneath him because the feeling in his leg was so delayed.

 

"More important than my partner? Yeah no. This science convention is important and all but at the end of the day, I'll gladly fail at that presentation if it means keeping an eye on you." Mac sighed, leaning against the kitchen island.

 

"Look, I'm just worried okay? We watched you yesterday... I admit it probably wasn't the nicest thing to do, but after you blew us off via text... -text, Jack!- we couldn't shake the feeling that something was bothering you. At first I thought it's just the whole situation. I know what you're thinking when it comes to the actual think tank work and I promise you, one of these days I'll drag you down to the lab and prove to you that you can do just as brilliantly there as in the field if only you'd try. But seeing you walk out yesterday, all stiff and focussed, I knew something was wrong and the pain meds are more evidence for that. You said there's no injury you're hiding and I'm inclined to believe you, mostly because we both were checked over in medical and nothing came of it, so what is it. Tell me, please! You're always after me that I should tell you when something is wrong or I'm hurt, is it asking too much that you trust me the same way?" Mac's tone of voice had taken on a hurt under current that pained Jack greatly, even more than his back already did.

 

Jack hadn't turned around while Mac had been talking. He felt guilty about worrying his friend and at the same time he sighed in resignation. There was no distraction in the world -save for a dirty bomb threat or something- that would get Jack out of this. He listened to the words, noticed Mac's voice getting closer but for some reason didn't connect the information and thus flinched badly when Mac put a hand on his back.

 

Shocked Mac took a step back, both his hands up in front of him, his expression open and wounded.

"Sorry... I didn't mean to startle you..." he whispered.

 

Jack however was squeezing his eyes shut, eyelashes wet, taking deep, measured breaths, a white knuckled grip on his sink.

"Not... your fault..." he pressed out, when the white hot pain shooting from his lower back down all the way to his toes subsided slowly.

 

"Jack, what is it? You're honestly scaring me a bit right now..." Mac asked when he'd realised what Jack was doing. Slowly and carefully he pulled Jack's hands away from the sink and pushed him the few steps backwards that seperated him from one of the kitchen chairs.

 

Having deposited the man, not without a pained grunt, on that, Mac filled a glass with water and got two of the pain pills from the box.

"Here, take these." he said and sat down opposite of Jack, watching him.

 

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes after Jack had taken the medication until he was breathing a little easier again, even if he looked majorly uncomfortable.

 

"Are you ready to tell me now? I want to help, Jack! I don't think I've ever seen you like this before and I saw you get shot and tortured, so that's saying something." Mac asked softly, reaching over the table, not really touching Jack, just pushing his fingertips against the older man's own.

 

"Yeah well, there's a reason for that, kid. I'm not usually like this... this, this is new, I have no idea what this is... it started yesterday out of nowhere. At first it was easy enough to ignore, but it's getting worse and worse... I don't know how to stand, or sit or lie down anymore, everything hurts... it feels like someone is puncturing my back and leg with thin, sharp blades whatever I do... the meds, they tone down the intensity a little but it never stops... I haven't slept at all last night and I already tried every trick I learned from physical therapy... it's like my body is turning against me..." Jack rubbed the hand not in contact with Mac's over his face, looking at the blond then, letting his guard fall away somewhat, letting him get a glimpse of the pain and exhaustion he was really feeling.

 

Mac watched his friend, a little shaken by his vulnerable expression. His eyes shadowed and the little over ten years of age that Jack had on him more pronounced in the lines than ever before. Mac was no medical professional by any stretch of the word, he did however have basic knowledge of the human body and a bit of general idea about certain things around back pains thanks to growing up with his grandfather. And what came to mind right there, he didn't like in the slightest.

 

He took a deep breath.

"Hey, whatever this is? I'm sure it's not your body turning against you, we'll just have to find out what it is and then there surely is something you can do about it. But what's important here -and I need you to listen to me now- you don't have to face this alone! I'll be with you every step of the way! Alright?"

 

"Mac, I appreciate that but you have more pressing things to take care of." Jack started to shake his head slightly, wincing as the movement aggravated his back again.

 

"You see, that's what you have wrong, your well-being is the most important thing to me. Bozer and Riley can take care of Sparky for now, if they need my input, they'll call. But I want to be here for you now, Jack, just like you always have my back in everything I do. Please, let me be here for you!" Mac pleaded, knowing full well that Jack couldn't deny him that way.

 

"Alright..." Jack whispered, resigned.

 

"Okay, so first things first, we'll have to get you to medical so they can have a look at you. I might have a suspicion but I won't take a chance with your health. What they need to do is a MRI scan and then we can make a plan." Mac said, giving in to his need to touch Jack and curled his hand around the older one's fingers, squeezing gently in support.

 

"Okay, let's do that then. As much as I hate this, but I admit the pain is worse... at least what I'm actually feeling of it with the whole numbness going on..."

 

Jack let his friend help him to his feet, slowly limping out to the car.

 

~*~

 

While Jack explained the doc at Phoenix Medical what he was experiencing and got the MRI scan done afterwards (because of course Mac had been right about that), the blond called Riley and Bozer in the lab to let them know what was happening and afterwards informed Matty as well.

 

Their boss was livid at the news but Mac understood it for what it was, namely worry for Jack and guilt that she hadn't noticed anything amiss the day before.

 

All three of them promised to check in again later to hear what the examination had brought to light.

 

About thirty minutes later, Mac breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't what he had feared, which had been a herniated disk, although the actual diagnosis wasn't much better. Jack had a severe inflammation of a bundle of nerves in his lower back which explained the pain shooting down his leg and the numbness too. That was the good news. The bad news was that they couldn't really do much about that. They could try to treat the inflammation with medication but otherwise they had to wait and be patient until it goes away by itself. And that was seriously bad news because waiting and being patient wasn't something Jack did well at the best of times. If he was in constant pain? That would be that much worse.

 

The doc had given Jack a shot to relieve him at least of some of the pain but sadly that was something he couldn't do all that often. He prescribed Jack a whole new set of meds with very clear instructions as to when and how to take them. Mac had stood silently at the back of the room when he explained that, but the doc had looked at the younger agent when he told Jack that it would be better if he wasn't alone for the first couple of days until he knew how he reacted to the medications since some of them had pretty strong side effects.

 

"That shouldn't be a problem, Jack will stay with Bozer and me for the time being..." Mac said, ignoring completely the glare Jack sent him at hearing that. "After all, it's said that family and good food are vital to recovery right, doc? And we can't deny that Bozer provides the best food of all of us."

 

"Yeah, I'll take your word for it, Mac. Speaking of, when you talk to Bozer, remind him to come by, there is a flu shot with his name on it waiting."

 

Mac snorted and Jack chuckled, a little appeased again by the younger's explanation. Jack Dalton wasn't stupid after all, he knew that having someone around would probably a good idea in the current situation.

"Will do, doc." (Mac would never understand why Bozer was so reluctant with hit shots. He was always on time with routine medical examinations or even appointments when he was sick but as soon as someone came close to him with a syringe, Bozer would hit the ground running.)

 

"Thanks. Alright, Jack... I know this sucks big time, if you excuse my not very professional vocabulary but the good thing is, at least now your team is already grounded and you can take the time you need to heal. This most likely is a direct result of you running under constant high tension for what basically amounts to years now. This is your body telling you to slow down for a bit. And I mean it when I say *rest*! Take it from me, it'll do you real good and I know you're in capable hands with your team around. So take the meds within the guidelines and you should be mostly at an endurable level of pain if not painless. Short walks are fine but I don't recommend more than that. When we get to a certain point we can see about physical therapy within reason." The doctor said again, holding Jack's gaze. They were old buddies by now, he had been one of the previous DXS employees already and he knew both men in front of him very well, especially when it came to their pigheadedness in the face of medical attention and rest.

 

"Yeah, yeah alright, I hear you. Since I'm benched anyway, I'll do as you say. As long as these meds of yours do their job and I don't feel like a nintey year old with a bullet wound anymore, I'm inclined to do anything you say." Jack sighed, the exhaustion of the missed night of sleep and the pain combined evident in his voice.

 

"They absolutely should, Jack, if they don't, come over again and I'll see what I can do about it."

 

"One question, doc. Should he be on medical leave or is it alright to work around HQ." Mac asked, gentle hands on Jack's shoulders again, working on the tight muscles there.

 

"That depends on the definition of 'work around HQ'..." the doctor raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

 

"Uhm Mission control and training of the newbies?" Jack offered the two jobs he knew Matty wanted him to do, already dreading the outcome now. There were only few things he *could* do, while the others worked on science and if he couldn't do those, what good was he anyway.

 

"Well I don't see Mission control being a problem, other that you'll have to find a way to make yourself comfortable enough over longer stretches but you'd have to do that at home as well. Situation adapted work, Jack. If you feel like standing up, walking around or something feels good, do that, if you'd rather sit down and rest the leg, do that. Shouldn't be too difficult in the war room. Training the newbies however... I can see how that could be problematic." the older man rested his elbows in the desk in front of him.

 

"Weapons training in particular...." Mac interjected and held his breath in anticipation. He hoped for Jack's sake that the answer would be a positive one or he had to think about something fast before Jack had the opportunity to spiral into a dark hole.

 

"Difficult but probably manageable, again within reason. Supervise, yes, doing drills with them, absolutely not but I don't think I'll have to tell you that, your body would do that itself quite spectacularly. Listen to what your body tells you and don't play the tough guy. We all know you are tough, Jack, but this needs to heal fully or it could become a real problem in the field later on. You can try whatever you want, but the moment the pain flares up, stop. And don't think every day will be the same, these things come and go in waves, you'll probably feel good doing something one day and the next you'll be in pain just thinking about it. That's normal too. You'll have to keep that in mind though."

 

"Thanks doc, I appreciate the pep talk. I'll keep you posted on the medications front." Jack sighed, slowly getting to his feet again.

 

~*~

 

That evening they all gathered at Mac and Bozer's for dinner. Mac had brought Jack home to pack some stuff after the visit in medical and then set him up in their guest room, or how Bozer jokingly calls it, Jack's vacation residence. Since rarely anyone else ever slept there.

 

"Hey, how're you doing?" Riley asked softly, plopping herself down next to Jack on the deck, handing him a soda can since he wasn't allowed beer with all the pain meds.

 

"Ah well, I've been better, Riles. This is like something out of a nightmare really..." the man said, smiling at her unhappily.

 

"Yeah, I bet. But I'm also convinced you'll be up and running soon enough again, if anyone can out-stubborn backpain, it's probably you... or Mac. But with him volunteering to take care of you, it's like double the stubborn." the woman grinned, startling a huff out of Jack.

 

"I'm not sure that's how this works, sweetheart, but I appreciate the sentiment." he turned his eyes back on the fire pit, keeping one ear out to the conversation between Bozer and Mac inside.

 

"Yeah well, maybe not, but Mac is known to have made unliklier things happen. Anyway, how's that going?" she asked, taking a sip from her own soda, a small show of solidarity.

 

"How's what going?" Jack tilted his head in confusion, looking back at Riley, who had an incredulous look on her face.

 

"Ehm just, Mac taking you home to take care of you, keep an eye on you for who knows how long? How do you feel about that?" she questioned softly, quickly glancing inside to estimate how much time they had left for this conversation.

 

"Riley, right now, I'm luckily not feeling much of anything." Jack joked, sobering up the next second again however. "But if you're asking because of the thing I told you a while back... don't, this has nothing to do with that. I probably should never have told you in the first place."

 

"Hey, none of that. It's a good thing you told me, I'm glad you trusted me with this and I promised to stay out of it and I will, I just want to make sure you're alright with this. Because if this gets to much for you or something, you can count on me, okay? I'll take you to my place if everything else fails..." she looked at Jack openly, one small hand on his forearm.

 

"Thanks, baby, I appreciate that a lot!" Jack pulled his arm from her touch and pulled her closer instead, pressing a kiss to her temple. "But I think for now it's going to be fine. Hell, it's not the first time either. I've stayed here for longer periods before and we've been out on missions together in close quarters too, it's going to be alright. I just try not to read too much into it and let Mac satisfy his need to look after me. I don't even know why he thinks he has to repay me for having his back all the time, it's not like, at the bottom line, he's saved my ass more often than the other way around anyway. But well, as I said, taking it the way it is, it might just be the closest thing to anything resembling 'domestic bliss' I'll get, ever since I stupidly walked out on you and your mum."

 

Riley leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Yeah, that was kind of stupid, I agree. But hey, you found me again... and about Mac, well... you know I disagree with you, because I'm an objective bystander with eyes in my head, but I'm not going to push you or anything. If you made your peace with all this and it makes you happy the way it is, it's your decision. Just... I'd fully support you!"

 

Jack just gave her a grateful smile when she finished. He didn't need to say it out loud, she knew perfectly well what he was going to say. They had this conversation the first time already when he admitted to his, a little more than brotherly, feelings he was developing for Mac.

 

~*~

 

A while after dinner, Jack excused himself to finally go to bed and try to sleep. He'd taken a short, wholly unhelpful nap in the afternoon and the lack of sleep the night before was catching up to him.

 

"You have your meds, right? Do you need anything else?" Mac wanted to know, already on his feet and Jack shook his head.

 

"Yes, I have my meds and no, I don't need anything. I already have everything I could possibly need in my room, as you know perfectly well because you brought it there. Seriously relax, kid. I might be the furthest thing from alright that I've ever been before but I can still take care of my basic needs. Thank you very much. Good night you lot!" Jack grumbled, waving at them as they echoed the sentiment when he made his way slowly inside.

 

Riley finished her soda and got to her feet as well.

"I'll take that as my cue, too. If we have to pick up your slack at the lab, I probably should get some sleep. Good night you two. See you tomorrow." she took her trash with her to put away before she left.

 

"Dude, seriously, calm down..." Bozer shot a look at Mac. "I get it, you're worried but Jack's not on death's door or anything. You always accuse me of overly mother-henning you when you get sick or injured but you're taking this to a whole new level, bro!"

 

Mac took a deep breath, drinking another sip of water before he answered.

"Yeah I know... I just can't help it, Boze... he's in pain and I hate seeing him like this. You haven't seen him this morning, he was like a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I've seen him in pain, in absolute agony even, before but there always was a logical reason for it. This though... I think this might be the most difficult thing for him to overcome since... well since before I met him. He told me a bit of what had happened before at times and from what I understood he was in a really bad place at some point. I know that's something completely different than that but this could turn bad really quick anyway. You know how he is, impatient and easily frustrated, if this doesn't work out right, I'm scared of what this could do to him, Bozer." Mac admitted softly, leaning his head in both his hands.

 

Bozer watched his best friend, almost a little sorry that he called him out for his mother-henning in that moment. It was true that neither of them had seen Jack like that before, it was unsettling to say the least. But to see Mac like *this*, was close to even more unsettling to Bozer. And the worst thing was, he had a point. This whole situation put a strain on Jack's mind, if he lost it at some point, co-dependant as they were, they ran the risk that it would ruin Mac in turn.

 

And yet, Bozer suspected that Jack's well-being wasn't everything that was on Mac's mind. His friend was worried, shaken that something like this happened but usually Mac would rise to the challenge, take matters into his own hands, being his confident self as always, mostly pulling them all along in a time that was difficult.

 

"Mac... can I ask you something?" Bozer turned a little more towards his friend, speaking softly.

 

Mac looked up, eyebrows drawn together in question.

"Sure."

 

"What would you do, if it was me instead of Jack?" he tilted his head a little.

 

"What kind of question is that? Boze, I'd take care of you just the same. I'd make sure you take your meds and take you to your appointments and make sure that you have something to occupy your time with, to distract you. Watching movies together certainly would be first on the list and if you wanted to work... mmh I could build you something so that you can sit at your work station and make some prosthetics for future missions more comfortably. Or you could still help with Sparky, that shouldn't be a problem as long as you wouldn't overdo it..." Mac replied, quickly formulating plans in his head before he even noticed what was happening.

 

Bozer just looked at him with a knowing smirk.

"Alright, I'll stop you right there because we both know you're already running calculations in your head that aren't necessary. My point is... I know we're best friends since forever, basically brothers if we wanted to be specific, so I don't think I'd be overconfident in saying that our bond is a pretty deep one. Now I know you share a similar bond with Jack, so please tell me what's the difference here that let's you still think rationally about what to do to help me but not Jack? Because from where I'm standing, you're the one currently spiraling into a worried panic, bro! So?"

 

Mac looked at Bozer completely dumbstruck, eyes wide and unblinking.

"W-what? No that's... that's because it's not you right now, I'm not sure I'd be as rational if it really was you either..."

 

"That's bullshit and we both know it. Mac, you're the most level-headed, smart guy around, even under immense pressure you come up with solutions. Heck you still were thinking clearly, when Murdoc was shooting at us, all our lives were on the line and I was pissed as hell at you. And yet right now your worry for Jack cancels out every sensible thought in your brain aside from 'Is he doing okay? Did he take his medicine? Is there anything I can do?' Why is that, I ask you?" the soft, understanding smile on Bozer's lips send a shiver down Mac's spine, rendering him speechless.

"Just think about it, Mac. If you don't want to admit it out loud just yet, I get it. I'm cool with that but please, don't lie to yourself and pretend that *any* of this emotional meltdown has something to do with Jack's condition instead of Jack himself."

 

Bozer got to his feet when Mac just silently blinked at him, obviously thoughts whirring through his head at the speed of light. Softly he patted his shoulder.

"I'm going to bed, yeah? Don't stay up too late brooding over this, alright?"

 

When Bozer was at the door, he turned one last time, watching Mac staring at the glowing embers in the fire pit.

"For what it's worth? It doesn't matter to me, I love you, bro, no matter what!"

 

~*~

 

Jack woke up in the middle of the night with a need for the bathroom. He took a moment to slowly sit up, orientate himself before he got to his feet. And promptly falling back on the bed again when the floor under his feet seemed to tilt to the side.

 

A little more awake now he tried again, quickly grabbing the back of the chair close by and then the door frame. He felt like he was drunk, completely and utterly shit-faced while walking on a boat or something. Well, doc warned him about the side effects and, he belatedly realised, the pain was almost gone, so that's a plus. He even slept close to peacefully until now.

 

It was slow going down the hall, both hands on the walls to his left and his right until he reached the open space of the living room on his way to the bathroom. He swayed to the side, looking for something to grab onto and sent something crashing to the floor in the process.

"Shit..." he cursed softly.

 

"Jack? What are you doing?" Mac's soft and sleepy voice asked from his right, from the direction of the sofa. Jack might not be thinking at full capacity but he knew that at this time of night, Mac should be in his room which was behind him.

 

"Well, I'm trying to get to the bathroom, what's your excuse, kid? Why are you not in bed?" Jack asked, both hands now tightly gripping the back of the sofa, leaving whatever had fallen to the floor, exactly where it was.

 

Mac switched on one of their indirect ambient light sources to light up the room in a soft glow to better see Jack but not blind them both in the process.

"Couldn't sleep... I came out here to watch some TV, I must have dozed off at some point... you alright?" the blond looked up at Jack.

 

"Yeah awesome, just all kinds of woozy in the head. Doc wasn't kidding with those meds... I mean I feel almost great pain-wise but this is worse then any drug I've been hit with so far..." the older explained, looking at the TV that was in sleep mode, wondering what was keeping his friend up at night.

 

"Sounds... fun. You need a hand? Getting to the bathroom, I mean. I don't think you need assistance once you're there, not that anything would be wrong with that either..."

 

Jack grinned broadly.

"God, I love it when your brain is all mushy from sleep, it's truly adorable..." he murmured, belatedly wondering if he should have said that out loud when he notices a flush on Mac's cheeks. He nodded however. He would prefer going back to bed sooner rather than later and letting Mac help would accomplish just that. "Yeah, alright. Give me a hand, it's probably quicker than finding my way while searching for things to hold on to."

 

Mac jumped off and over the sofa with a level of agility that shouldn't be possible for someone half asleep in the middle of the night, Jack thought.

"Sure..." he pulled Jack's arm over his shoulder and put his own around Jack's waist and led him to the bathroom.

 

"What were you even watching? I mean if the TV is in sleep mode, you must have dozed off a while ago already..." Jack asked from inside, knowing full well that Mac would wait for him next to the door. "Oh let me guess, some deathly boring documentary on something intensely science-y?"

 

Mac listened to the flush of the toilet and then the sink and grinned tiredly.

"Actually no, it was some art thing... Science, even things I know by heart already, tend to keep me interested even more instead of getting me to sleep... it's something really old but Frankie recommended it some time ago after she stumbled over some of the videos on youtube. It's really relaxing, the soft talking, the sound of the brushes on the canvas... not to mention that the finished pictures are quite beautiful. Point is, as much as I can appreciate art, I'm not really interested in the process of painting, so I'm able to watch and listen without thinking too much, or to put it better, just enough to focus my attention on something and get out of my own head." he replied when Jack returned, assuming the same position as before.

 

"Now that sounds like magic, something that can get your big brain to shut up? I might have to see that." Jack said, a chuckle in his voice as Mac backtracked their steps.

 

"Sure, that shouldn't be a problem, but..." Mac faltered a little in front of the sofa. "You should be catching sleep as much as you can while you're mostly pain-free. You shouldn't sit on the sofa, much less try to sleep there, that would be a really bad idea for your back...." he said and Jack got the feeling that Mac was really talking more to himself instead of him. "But... uhm... I could go grab my laptop and bring it over to your room, you can lie down and we'll watch together if you want to." the younger suggested.

 

Jack huffed softly. He really hadn't meant right that instant when he said he had to see whatever was helping Mac but he couldn't bring himself to disagree with Mac, he was so eager to help him and Jack would be lying if he said that having the blond with him didn't make his heart beat a little faster.

"Sounds good, Mac, you do that..."

 

A little later Mac had placed his laptop on a portable bed table out of Jack's way, so the older could see and listen easily but was lying comfortably (or as comfortable as he was going to get) without fearing that he accidentally kicked the computer to the floor. For a second Mac seemed to debate if he should sit next to Jack on the bed but he opted for the chair instead after starting up a playlist of videos.

 

To be quite honest, Jack hadn't seen all that much in the end, quickly lulled back to sleep but he couldn't deny the effect Mac had described, it really was surprisingly relaxing.

 

And when he woke up early the next morning, Jack was alone again, the laptop closed and put aside and the chair deserted. He sighed as he turned to roll out of bed, still dizzy as hell but with pain flaring up with a vengeance.

 

~*~

 

One day turned into two, then into a week and then two and so on. Jack was still in varying levels of pain, some days he was almost fine, still on a lot of medication but feeling mostly like a proper human again and then the next days it was a real struggle to get to his feet in the morning.

 

On the good days he managed to get some training done, praising the young agents-to-be on their abilities but those sessions were rarer than he would have hoped. He promised them that once he was back on his feet properly, he would would give them a week of real training. He felt bad that he couldn't do what he really wanted to. But standing, walking from one to the next, leaning in to fix a stance or direct a shot, it made him sick with pain at times.

 

Running mission control in the war room worked better. He spent more time there, sometimes alone, sometimes with Matty. Jack appreciated that Matty barely changed her attitude towards him, she cut him some slack but otherwise she behaved like she usually did and that was something of a blessing.

 

The three younger ones on his team were awesome, they teased him at times but were always on high alert if something was wrong, kept a close eye on him, quick with asking if he was alright when he so much as groaned. They all were patient with him, even when he was stupid and over worked himself. ("Doc said *short* walks, Jack, three miles are hardly short!")

 

The thing was, his patience with *himself* was running thinner with each passing day. He wanted the pain to go away, he wanted to properly work out again, he wanted to go on missions again. Those were far off dreams however, he would be lucky if he got to a point were he was able to go about his day without much pain. Doc said that was normal, that these kinds of things take time and that something that was the result of months if not years, couldn't possibly heal in a couple of days. The only consolation was that even if he was better, they still wouldn't be able to go on missions because his three young nerds were having serious trouble with their AI for the presentation.

 

But all of that couldn't keep him from snapping at them all once in a while, withdrawing into himself, cursing himself for his uselessness.

 

Bozer took it in stride, making sure Jack had everything he could need at the moment with the occasional goodies of the food variety to cheer him up but left him alone otherwise.

 

Riley wasn't dealing with these situations all that well and tended to answer angry snaps with just as angry comments herself but Jack saw it for what it was behind her mask and that was worry. And that was making him feel guilty.

 

But Mac took it the hardest of them all. At first he let Jack's bad moods just roll off him but the longer the ordeal lasted, it was wearing the blond down and by now Jack was able to see the pure hurt in Mac's eyes, the worry and the sadness that shone brightly like a beacon everytime Jack made a snappy comment, ranted about how utterly useless he was on pretty much every level at the moment. Pain was a dangerous thing for the mind. Jack knew that. Had learned it a long time ago in fact. But it was difficult to pull himself out of the darkness.

 

~*~

 

Several more weeks later, Jack got up in the middle of the night again. The medication that had made him dizzy in the beginning wasn't really taking much of an effect anymore so he was a lot steadier on his feet again when he crossed the hallway.

 

He noticed a flickering glow illuminating the living room at first, next the by now familiar sounds of brushes on canvas, soft explanations and some good pieces of advice reached his ears.

 

Slowly and silently he tiptoed passed the sofa, not wanting to wake Mac or startle him or anything. He just needed to take the bathroom break first before he could look after his partner.

 

When he came back, nothing had changed in the room, just the painting on the screen had developed a little further, some trees had been added unsurprisingly.

"Can't sleep again?" he asked softly, watching tired eyes turning to him, the light from the TV giving Mac's eyes an even lighter blue colour.

Jack sat down next to him, waiting for an answer.

 

"Apparently not... maybe my subconsciousness just craved a little art, I don't know." Mac murmured back.

 

"Nah, I don't think that's the reason, kid... so what is it that keeps you awake? You've been sleeping less for a while now..." Jack asked, somewhere in his heart he feared that Mac's bout of insomnia had something to do with him, that he was bothering him by now and didn't know how to say it after he had offered to look after Jack in the first place.

 

"Don't know... a lot on my mind, I guess... I'm trying to solve a problem that I don't have the power to solve, I think and it's driving me insane..." Mac replied softly, his gaze back on the screen.

 

"Now I don't think such a problem really exists, Mac. I mean you might not have the actual power to do it, but I'm sure you know how to solve it theoretically. That might help someone else then." Jack tried, even if he didn't know if his comment made any sense at all.

 

"I can't, I have no idea how to fix this..." Mac breathed and it sounded so helpless it made Jack's heart bleed.

 

"Well hit me, maybe talking about it out loud will help you, I probably can't help much but I can at least listen..." he said, gently pulling Mac closer with one arm around his shoulders.

 

Jack felt the muscles under his arm tense and he tried to ignore the stab of entirely different pain that triggered.

"It's not that easy..."

 

"So it's a secret?" Jack asked.

 

"No, it's *you*, Jack. I'm trying to find a way to help you, to make you feel better, physically but most of all mentally. Day after day I have to watch you slip down into this scary dark pit of depression more and more and I don't know how to stop it. You keep saying how you're useless like this, that you probably should retire and get out of our hair because how good of an agent can't even get over some back pain..." Mac was on a roll now, he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth if he wanted to. "And that is scaring me, Jack! We experienced so many shitty situations and made it out on the other side... hell, we survived Cairo *and* Murdoc! And yet I'm scared that I'm losing you to this now! And I can't lose you, Jack! I've lost too many people already, I can't lose you too, you mean too much to me! Next to Bozer, you're the most important person in my life, you're more than just family, Jack... can't you see that I'm trying my best here..." Mac's voice had turned choked somewhere halfway through this speech, his eyes shining with unshed tears in the dim light of the TV.

 

Jack listened, really listened it seemed. And the more Mac spoke, the heavier grew his heart that he was putting the man he loved so dearly through hell. But even more random pieces of conversations popped into his head... _You know I disagree, because I'm an objective bystander_ Riley had said and even before that, when he admitted his feelings to her in a moment of weakness, she had said _you know, Jack... I love you like a dad but take it from me, the way *he's* looking at you... not so much, think about it. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith..._ Now that he was thinking about it, he remembered something Bozer had said a very long time ago when they first had come back from Afghanistan. _For as long as I can remember I've tried my best to protect Mac but there always was something I couldn't be for him, but the way he's looking at you, bro? It seems you are exactly that. Take good care of my boy, alright?_ Jack never fully understood that statement and of course a little after that Nikki had come along and Jack had put it out of his mind, chalked it up to Bozer seeing things in an overly dramatic cinematographic way.

 

Now however, he dared to change his perspective a little, allowed himself to look closer, to acknowledge the things that were right in front of him. And in the background, Bob Ross was talking about 'big decisions' and being 'courageous'.

 

"Jack? Say something, please!" Mac had pulled back a bit, looking at the older man anxiously. He had bared his soul to Jack just then and now the silence was stretching endlessly.

 

Jack was caught up in his thoughts for a moment longer, heart racing as he finally came to a decision, turning slightly, pulling his arm back to take both of Mac's hands in his own. The blond man looked beyond confused now.

 

"Mac, I'm really sorry I put you into this position, you know me and how my brain works like noone else. You know how much this is eating away at me but one thing you've got wrong, you *do* help, it's not obvious, I know it's not because I'm so bad at dealing with my own feelings, but you have to know, you *DO* help. As long as you agree to stay by my side, can stand to be by my side, there is not a chance you would lose me, because you're like a guiding light in this spiralling darkness, the North of my inner compass. I love you, Mac, so much more than I ever dared to say out loud and in turn I'm scared so much of the day you finally get sick of me, that you don't need me anymore." he whispered, squeezing Mac's fingers between his own, carefully restraining himself to not let it get painful.

 

It was Mac's turn to stay silent for just a bit too long and Jack's heart started to turn cold in his chest, or that's what it felt like for the older man. But when he tried to let go of Mac and flee to his room to lick his figurative wounds, the younger turned the grip tight, so so tight.

 

"Jack..." the younger whispered and when he looked up, Jack saw the tears had fallen, fresh, wet tracks on Mac's pale cheeks but his eyes seemed so bright, almost glowing, as if something had snapped into place and lightened up behind them.

 

Before Jack had the time to come up with something resembling words, Mac had leaned in and pressed a short, shy kiss to Jack's lips, setting the older man's heart ablaze in turn. This oh so soft touch said more than words could in this moment.

Mac smiled at him from a short distance away, eyes crinkling in the corners, looking oh so young but it was the most beautiful thing Jack had seen in a long time. The next moment, Mac hugged him tightly.

"I love you too, Jack!"

 

Not much more had been said that night, they stayed on that sofa, Jack ignored the pain in his back (which wasn't all that hard when you had the man you love in your arms) and watched yet another painting come to a finish.

There still were quite a lot of things they should talk about but Jack figured, they had more than enough time in the days to come for that.

 

Bozer found them the next morning, tightly entangled with each other, sleeping soundly on the sofa and he smiled. He took a picture and sent it to Riley. This was going to be a good day.

 

~*~

 

Coming to terms with the feelings for your partner, admitting those feelings and experiencing the joy of having them reciprocated wasn't really a 'heal all' solution. Jack still had a long way to go, his back was taking it's sweet time, he still had some dark episodes but with the weight of the biggest secret on his mind lifted, the road to recovery was definitely an easier one.

 

~*~

 

"So, how does being back in the field feel, old man?" Riley's voice came over the comms, a little teasing in her tone.

 

"Well, Riley... I have snacks, I have my Willy Nelson collection and I have Mac by my side, it's simple surveillance, what could go wrong?" Jack grinned back, winking at Mac who smiled softly while he was bending a paper clip into a sappy little heart.

 

"Shoot, you had to jinx it, Jack... suveillance is cancelled, you've got incoming!" Riley called back, her quick tapping on the keyboard audible. "Yeah, I'm counting at least six guys, all armed coming your way, I suggest you take cover! Now!"

 

Alert Mac had already looked up when she first announced the presence of the men, nodding he looked at Jack.

"You ready for this?" he asked, slight concern hidden in his voice. They had gotten surveillance as a first mission back in the field for a reason after all. But Jack just smirked back.

 

"Hell yeah, I'm ready! I'll race you!" he winked and quickly pushed open the door, pulling out his gun in the same movement.

 

~~~

 

_You're the greatest thing that has ever been or ever will be._

_You're special. You're so very special._

_\- Bob Ross_

 

 


End file.
